Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Addicted to Interaction

Press play:

I don't do drugs (besides the ol' drink). I have enough energy. And my mischievousness tends to lead me to some level of bliss on its own.

But I think I may have an addiction to interacting with people.

I love it. I love to know about you. I love drunken late night talk-a-thons. I love surprising people with my story. I love being surprised with theirs.

I am attracted to the unique or the inspiring.

I don't mean grandiose philanthropic inspiration, I mean life inspiring.

We all have a big, badass story. And many of the regular people around us that seem so average have dealt with and overcome more than we can imagine.

And I'm addicted to knowing about them. I'm fascinated by it.

I'm addicted to the organic evolution of a relationship.

How a joke turns into a conversation then turns into a friendship that turns into the legitimate "giving a crap" about a person.

I love the moment it occurs to you that you may be talking to somebody awesome. 

I love looking into the eyes of somebody and giving a fuck.

I never leave a room without saying goodbye.

I am generally happy to see people.

It's not a sexual thing, I just love people, and their stories.

Unfortunately, I have been made to feel as if this wasn't a good thing.  I forced myself not to care as much. It's taken these last few months of singularity to let that part of me blossom again.

I started this for therapy. Because I was so confused and terrified of this loneliness ahead of me. A loneliness I knew I couldn't avoid.

This one, this time....it was all me.

And that scared the living shit out of me. It still does.

They said I should write. And I decided to. I thought it would be my semi-funny stories of all the people I end up running into.

But now I'm starting to interact.

I'm finding that loneliness doesn't exist without other lonely people.

There is an honesty in this anonymity that I would never be able to find outside of this little secret world I've created.

I don't know if its working but it's making me actually feel like writing stuff that isn't just tales of my silly shenanigans.

Stuff that makes me feel.

I dont want to be a writer. I think my lack of authored eloquence is a disservice to some of the ridiculously talented but completely unknown writers in this world.

My inability to articulate my feelings is something I can't unlearn. I am not this expressive am I?

I talk to everybody. You can't stop me.

Take me to the opera or a monster truck show, it doesn't matter, I will end up in a corner surrounded by people, telling some ridiculous tale.

But talking about me? The real me? Pfffft. HA!

My mom died last December. I didn't tell anybody.

People I spend countless hours with every week, they had no idea. I just didn't tell them. Who does that?


This experience in writing about how I actually am is so ridiculously alien to me.

But I've found people. REAL people. Out there. That share this awkwardness and pain. Some of it a million times worse than mine. People that are getting through it and not even blinking.

But people that understand. That reach out to a strange twitter URL without hesitation. Without apprehension. The opposite of my bizarre neurotic introverted emotional cone of silence. People that understand.

And I don't know what I think about it.

Shit, I don't know if I'm even going to publish this. But I can't ignore whats happening to my brain.

I'm hoping you'll understand.

Fuck it, I'm going in for the kill.

Monday, 7 March 2011

Why You Can't Pick Up A Waitress

I've worked in the hospitality industry for a very long time. As a waiter, bartender, bar back, busser, promoter, host....you name it, I've done it. Even to this day I stay involved in the nightlife here and there. I love being social and out and about.

Now guys we've all tried it. Sometimes you can't help yourself...you have a few in ya, some attractive and charming young lass is making eyes at you, striking up a conversation, laughing at your terrible jokes. Its a perfect storm of libido stroking and false hopes. The best waitresses and bartenders make you think you've got a shot. But what so many dudes forget is...ahem...that's their FREAKING job!!

I know it can be very confusing for us boys,  but there are a few things you need to consider here; one - she being paid to feed you. And two; hitting on a girl who can't get away is awfully creepy. If she's not interested, she's still stuck hanging with you for another hour.

Also you need to know something; you treat beautiful girls differently than not beautiful girls. You probably don't know it, but subconsciously you do....and the problem for you is that they know it. How do I know this? Because I have worked/work in the industry, and have been around those people for a long long time. I've watched it happen a million times.

These people are professional flirters. Their rent depends on it. It's not to say that they are all completely insincere, but these people get hit on for a living. By dozens and dozens of dudes every single day. They've heard every line, done every shot and received every advance imaginable.

But, you thinking you have a chance has a direct correlation to how much money they make...and they know that.

It doesn't help that for the most part, servers and bartender are skewed to the better looking end of the population, and oftentimes they've spent their lives being good looking, so you end up with a cornucopia of people confident in that part of themselves with hours upon hours of practice exploiting it.

Pretty much, you don't stand a chance of avoiding the web of awesome they will spin around you if they feel like it. You're playing pick-up basketball with Kobe here.

This post is here simply to give you perspective, because I watch guy after guy get their hopes up, drop a fat tip and then get blasted when they try to close it.

This is a public service announcement. Just stop. I'm sure you're rad, but just understand what you're getting into, you're probably not the only guy she is currently serving that she's making feel like a million bucks.

Of course it happens, and some dudes have a lot of success with the ladies in that arena, but I'm guessing most of us don't, so I'm saving you the trouble.

I say hey, just keep tipping, they still work their asses off and its not like it doesn't feel AWESOME to have some beautiful charismatic lady pay attention to you for a few hours while you eat or watch a game right?

Don't take offense, and don't think less of them, just know that if they were a dental hygienist you proooobably wouldn't leave the office thinking that she wanted to make out with you.

Saturday, 5 March 2011

Yacht Girl - Part 2

If you haven't yet, Read Yacht Girl Part 1 Here.

Also, If you've just run across this blog, check out my first post, it might explain this a bit more.

  We eventually arrive at a club. Ya, right on the water. I've driven up to a club in an Aston Martin - but seriously - this is the way to arrive anywhere.

So up to the club we scurry.  I head towards the bad-ass line up near the front when one of the yacht dudes stops me by saying, "This way, we're going in the back door....they don't like us up there..." I'm immediately like "ahhh, I'm with theeeese guys"....and realize that we'll probably just roll up to the back, the dude with a giant yacht will grease the door guy, aaaand we're in. Nope. Turns out the bouncers at the back door weren't too fond of them either, and as I stand there trying not to pay attention to them negotiating with the doormen, I score some serious awesomepoints.

I hadn't been to this town much, but know a few people from here, and as I stood there deciding whether to call a cab or not, I look onto the patio of the club and see a face staring at me with bewilderment. I quickly realize that its a waitress at the bar, and that I had met her and her friends in Mexico on vacation - she was bff's with some of my bff's. She recognized me and freaked out. I do the obligatory long lost friend hug and "OMG OMG OMG!'s" and turn to my new found yacht-posse with the, "Hey, can me and my friends come in?"

Score one for cockblocking out of town tag-along guy.

Now immediately upon getting in something becomes blatantly apparent. I don't know a goddamn soul in here. And one of my most hated things in the world is being surrounded by people and not being able to interact with them. Yacht girl is running into friends, yacht dudes are making their way to wherever,  I immediately find myself alone in a club of drunken revelers all waaay too far into their respective nights to just strike up a convo with. So I come to point #2 in the evening when I begin to think I should cut my losses, be happy with how I got here and bail. Then its awesomepoints score #2. I go to the bar, buy the boat owner a beer, thank him for the ride, turn around and run into an old co-worker from my bartending days, a guy who is at least as boisterous as I am, and due to the random nature of my arrival, he loses his freaking mind...just as yacht girl walk out of the restroom.

So to recap, random out of town bar dude gets everybody into the club and then is greeted like I'm he's back from spending a month trapped in a mine. Whaaat!?

This is literally the opposite of blurting out something inappropriate when out for dinner with people you just met.

Like making a bald joke when there's a bald guy you don't know at the table.

And hey, we can always use a little help in the impression Olympics right? I'd love to be so overwhelmingly awesome that any interaction with me made me look infallible, but I'm not.

SO here I am, I got yacht girl back, with more old friends, at a club. Not to shabby. Next up, lights come on and I'm back on the boat nuzzled up with yacht girl rocketing through the blackness at a million miles an hour. Happy as a clam.

Where to now? Not a clue. I was just enjoying the company of a sassy lady using me as a heating blanket when suddenly the engines cut and we're gliding along into the darkness. I don't see anything but city lights in the distance out the back of the boat. Then I feel a bump. I look over the side of the boat to notice we are docking, beside a shiny cigarette boat and a half a dozen Jet Ski's all hoisted out of the water on this super pier.

House party.

This house was bonkers. Like, Harley's in the foyer bonkers. It was night, but it was castle huge. Once again though, it was to a point of awkwardness as I sat in an enormous kitchen as everybody who was at least vaguely familiar with each other pranced about.  Still, I had such a great effing day/night I didn't really care what happened. It was the closest that had ever been to zen I think. I don't do yoga, and at times can be the poster child for attention deficit disorder...but I felt really balanced, calm and...oh ya...drunk.

At this point, very large and at times scowl-y owner of the house looked at me from across the kitchen, stared at me for aboutfive solid seconds and said:"Wanna see my Man-Garage?"

Me: "Fuck Yeah."

Sooo, what's in a "man-garage" you ask?

A Ferrari elevator. Oh, and a Bellini machine. And a giant BBQ made out of a car engine. And a bunch more Harley's. And me.

For the rest of the evening I ended up crushing an entire Bellini machine of Grey Goose and Veuve Bellini's and talkin' shop with the fellas, who I managed to eventually beat into submission with my awesome. Me and yacht girl got along quite swimmingly, and I managed to partake in one of the best make-out nights I'd had in a long time.

My last memory of the night is my fondest: as the sun rose, me and the two ladies left casa de Ferrari and jumped into a cab back to my hotel, Yacht Girl and I embraced for a final goodnight neck before I departed, as she leaned back onto the cab and I kissed the hell out of her face, my eyes were drawn through the back window of the taxi where her friend sat, giving me the double thumbs up through the back window.

Awesomepoints moment number three.

Yacht Girl DID come back to the hotel to visit the next day for a few drinks. I introduced her to all my friends...who weren't sure she even existed...and I'll tell ya...she was freaking gorgeous. Like. Whoa.

But alas, I'm way more funny and better looking the drunker you are, so after a sober meet up, well, our magical spark fizzled away eventually and the mystery of the Yacht Girl remained the lore of that wedding weekend.

To this day it still feels like I got to make out with a unicorn.

Holy Crap....theres a Part Three...check it out here...

Friday, 4 March 2011

Yacht Girl - Part 1

If you've just run across this blog, check out my first post, it might explain this a bit more.

For the last few months I have literally numbed my entire psyche with booze and other shiny objects I could find to help divert my attention.

The problem is when I became single I immediately lost the identity I had clung to for the past four and a half years. I wasn't a "couple" anymore.

So naturally I reverted back to where I was and what I was doing the last time I was single. Ya. Back then I was working as a bartender/waiter/club promoter. I naturally have a ton of energy, but how I managed to work all day, serve all night and be out at the club till 4 am blows my freakin' mind. I literally don't know how it was possible, but I'm certain that I took 10 - 15 years off of my life during my mid-twenties.

Above all else, I can only describe the feeling over the first few months as lost. Exactly like wandering through the woods searching for something that you know you have to find but no idea what it is and with no sense of direction after just waking up. Foggy oblivion.

Well I went into a fine Sept weekend heading out of town to a very close friends wedding. Packed in a car with some of the best people I know on this planet, and for the first time in months I felt like I was okay in my own skin.

It's a pretty crazy feeling, but since I have very little family myself, it helps me explain why people always go home for the holidays regardless of the craziness and infighting and blowups that seem to happen to every family over the holidays. Its a safety net. You know that no matter what...they'll love you (exceptions to every rule, all families have "that" uncle).

You just feel welcome and comfortable with everyone and everything.

That's kinda like what driving to and arriving at this wedding felt like. The entire wedding stayed in a lakeside boutique hotel together and I was surrounded by people who had known me for years and loved me to death.
It was an amazing feeling - one I hadn't had in literally forever - and I think it contributed to the amazing weekend I had, a weekend hi lighted by the appearance of Yacht Girl.

The first night before the wedding was an evening of cocktails where all the guests could hang out, mingle and get to know one another. It was so much fun. Reconnecting with people you hadn't seen in years but actually  give a crap about. Needless to say at a point late in the evening I decide I have had such an amazing night, I'd like to head back to the hotel bar and have some scotch and smoke a stogie with one of my besties...one who is notorious for pulling the chute and escaping to bed unseen at the drop of a hat...and then go to sleep. I was sooo content.

The hotel bar happened to be packed, apparently it was kind of a "spot" for locals on the weekend, so it was packed. Packed with...people my age...all over the place! As my friend tended to the scotch, I sidled up to a table of two ladies, and without hesitation went right to the..."Heyyy, not from around here...you know what time this place closes?" I really wasn't expecting much, but I'd had enough liquid courage and such a great night that I didn't care what happened. I was feelin that rad. Well I happened to hit it off with a lovely young blonde girl. She was pretty funny, (Secret: A girl could be an 8...but make me actually laugh? You're a 20.)

This young lass began busting my chops a bit, which I kinda love. I mean among the guys, that's what I do, I talk smack. So when I meet somebody that can take it to me a bit...without being an obnoxious twit...its awesome.

This is how rad this girl was: Imagine gorgeous, blonde, looked me straight in the eye, and at the point it came for exchanging numbers, I gave her mine, she added it into her phone and sent me the following text right then and there: "Suck It".


I knew then I had to find out about this girl.

But as we continued to chat and hit it off I began noticing the sharks circling...dudes coming by that her and her friend knew...not unusual stuff, but I began setting myself up for a quick exit and bed (note: I introduced my Houdini like friend to these ladies right of the bat, but the next time I turned around....poof...he was gone.). It was at this point that a dude walked up to all of us and (addressing the ladies) said, hey, lets go on my boat. I was literally half way through my "Alrighty, have a sweet time, I'm outta here" speech when she turned to me and said, "Why don't you come with me?"

My mind raced..."AWESOME!" Also, "Can I afford to lose a kidney? Should I take my I.D. to identify the body? Is this girl awesome enough to risk her and her friends turning into vampires and feasting on this unsuspecting out-of-towner?:"

All answers came back the same: FUCK. YES.

So off to this boat I go, and as this monster pulls away from the dock in the middle of the night I realize Two things. One, nobody knows I'm gone...on a boat...in the middle of the night...and two...no matter what, this is gonna be awesome.

Keep in mind that I don't know anybody but bar girl and her friend...sorta. So I am officially "dude who tagged along with hot chick to intimate yacht party that was clearly intended to be more gals than guys". Yup, I am an aquatic cockblocker...completely unintentional. Not that I care so much normally, but I'm not at a club or a party, I can't just grab this girl and leave or sneak away to a corner and chat. So awkwardness aside, there still is the business of this young filly (As we get further from shore I keep looking back to land and calculating if I could make it to shore.)

As we set out on the open water, what most people don't realize that high speed, at night, on a boat...not so awesome. Its loud, blustery and although it was great weather, its still cold. Bonus here? Yacht girl is chilly.

I now have the best smelling blanket on earth.

Read Part 2 of "Yacht Girl" Here.